Various Feelings

Relieved. So relieved it wasn’t my fault.
How different I was.
The times I failed.
The things I couldn’t do.
I’m just wired differently.
I always was.

Angry. So angry that it took so long to find out.
That nobody knew.
Expectations so high
I could never fulfil them.
Naughty and lazy.
That’s what I thought.

Contented. So contented to have discovered.
Found the real me.
At long long last.
Finally allowing myself
A more gentle life.
Recovery time.

Sad. So sad for the lost years of my youth.
Pretending, wasting energy.
Having to start over
Middle aged and tired.
Rebuilding
A shattered life.

Hopeful. So full of hope for a new life.
New strategies and plans.
Learning what works.
Better for me.
Being myself.
Finally relaxing.

Broken. So very very broken.
Always was.
Always will be.
Ambitions shattered.
Permanent.
Impaired.

Excited. So excited by the information.
Others are like me.
A new interest.
Obsessive learning.
Books and articles.
My life explained.

Scared. So scared by the newness of it all.
Going to get it wrong at first.
So much information.
New words and sensitivities.
Needing to explain
But I hardly understand.

Stimmy. So stimmy as soon as I allowed it.
The release as I give up on stillness.
Allowed to fidget.
Fiddle, chew, flap, rock.
Bash, jump, rub, sway.
Instinctive. Natural. Beautiful.

Frustrated. So frustrated with waiting.
For official recognition.
For any help at all.
For someone to see
What is obviously true
And to believe me.

Grateful. So grateful for a wonderful spouse.
Supportive through dark times.
Caring, and loving the new me.
Equally fascinated and obviously
Also wired like I am.
Our marriage explained.

Shocked. So shocked that this is the reality of my life.
Totally unexpected.
Just how many things.
Mind blown
By the massive revelations
About myself.

Calm. So calm for the first time ever.
I hadn’t realised
The world was so tough for me.
But now I do I can retreat
When I need
Into my own safe place.

Damaged. So damaged by the difficulties.
But nobody knew, not even me.
Trauma internalised.
Mental illness.
Will take time
To sort it all out.

Optimistic. So optimistic for the future.
Recovery and adapting.
Learning and strategies.
New ambitions and goals
Suitable for autistic me.
Making it work.