Please Brain

29-2016-12-29-19-40-02Please brain,
Please work right.
Just enough to get stuff done.
To be useful.

I know you are broken.
I know you are struggling.
I know.

But I want to keep a bit of my life.
I want to hold just some of it together.
It is important to me.

E-mails waiting for answers.
Struggling to find the words.
Executive function, planning,

Uncertainty gnawing at me constantly.
The upcoming assessment. Fear.
Energy levels. Unpredictable.

Will I be well enough to run this race?
Can I play this gig and that?
People waiting for answers.
Need brain
For assignments and projects.

I talk strongly to myself
At times like this,
Calling myself harshly by my maiden name.

But no punishment
Can make my head work right.
It never could.

The system is wrong like that.

I am desperate to work,
To succeed, to be the best I can.
I always was.
Where I failed it was because I couldn’t, not wouldn’t.

You cannot do anything you put your mind to.
That is a lie. A filthy vile lie.

I am trying.
So very very hard.

I always was.
But people never believed me.

Please brain.
Let me keep some bits of my life.
I am prepared to work as hard as I possibly can.

I always was.
And I always did.

It’s just that some things are
So much more difficult
For me.


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