Instinctive

37-2016-12-19-18-41-09Some of this
Is easy.

Totally instinctive.

All I have to do is stop
Trying to do anything at all.

Forget what I have learnt
About how best to feel better:
Lying still, keeping calm,
Breathing this way or that.

Just listen.
Really really listen.

And allow myself to feel
What my body wants to do.
Accept my real self.
It was so easy
Once I knew.

I give myself permission
Not to care
About anything else
For as long as I need.

And I rock
Back and forth.
The tension starts to go.

And I bash myself
Against something soft
And safe.

Over and over and over.
Again and again and again.
Repeating repeating repeating.

Over and over and over.
Again and again and again.
Repeating repeating repeating.

Over and over and over.
Again and again and again…

For as long as I need.

Sometimes twenty minutes.
Sometimes half an hour.
Sometimes even longer.

Sometimes gentle.
Sometimes almost violent.

What started as way to relieve anxiety
Becomes a beautiful pleasure.

My head clears.
I feel better.
Grounded.
Comforted.

Happier.
Calmer.

I flap my hands.
I twirl my fingers.
The filtered light dances before my eyes.

All this completely natural to me.

Even after decades suppressed.

It is only one step away from breathing.

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