Autism Fatigue

69-2016-12-17-15-46-58So much so much so much.
Overloaded with information.

Writing writing writing.
My head full of autistic traits.

Autism autism autism.
My timeline full of articles.

Debate debate debate.
Issues I cannot yet deal with.

Children children.
Where are the adults?
Or are we just not so cute?

Tests tests tests.
Early diagnosis.
Measured in months not decades.

Assessment assessment.
Flashing in my head.
Instilling fear.

My brain my brain my brain.
In so much turmoil.
Isolated and broken.

Wine wine wine.
There is nothing else.

My life my life my life.
Falling apart because I just can’t.

Stimming stimming stimming.
Weighted blankets and repetitive movements.

Autistic autistic autistic.
Well am I?

My whole identity
Unknown.

I want to scream
I want to know.
I am falling apart.
There is no help, just mess,
And waiting.

Everything is so new
And different.
When will I be me again?

I am trying to be a grown up
But I don’t feel like one.

(Except that I can persuade people
To sell me wine
Because I have grey hair).

Please can this be sorted soon.
Please.

***

Yesterday early evening was not a great time. I got very triggered by lots of things and my head didn’t do very well at them. Immersing oneself in autism stuff means getting exposed to some stuff that is really hard and difficult and it still feels so new that I haven’t had chance to work it all out yet. I have a lot of history to go over, and end up reading a lot of stuff that makes very bad feelings, both about my own history and about how younger autistic people are treated today. There is much still to work out and to make into words. And I got really stressed, mainly to do with having had so many decades of not knowing and now many months of still not being believed and now hour after tedious hour of waiting for next week’s appointment, desperately trying to hold life together when all I want to do is curl up in a corner and die.

After I wrote the above I wrote another similar thing, but much much darker. Whether I review it later or not, I don’t know. Maybe it’s too dark, or maybe it’ll be something to look back on and analyse in future. There are things in it that may be expanded to form future posts.

Anyway, the evening improved. My husband got home from work and let me know that he’d had a further e-mail from the assessment people saying that they’d received the most recent lot of writing I’d sent to them. They’ve now had, at a rough estimate, around 120 pages of evidence, going back to when I was a baby and covering my entire life. The e-mail suggested that they might actually be planning to read it, which the last place evidently didn’t (and they had much less because we’re now several months further down the line and when I can I keep writing, because, to be honest, in the absence of a therapist or any other way of sorting my thoughts, I don’t actually know what else to do. The e-mail was also clear and understandable, and seemed to suggest that the appointment will start on time and various other things that didn’t happen before, which would be good).

I then, rather rashly, agreed to go and play in a concert over the weekend. I was going to decline, but my husband pointed out that I was going to spend the whole weekend feeling stressed and sick and bad anyway, so I might as well feel stressed and sick and bad to a nice soundtrack. Maybe I can pretend things are old normal for a few hours if I can manage not to fall apart completely. It’ll totally exhaust me, but I’m totally exhausted anyway, so it probably doesn’t make that much difference. I got my viola out this morning to work out some fingering to suggest to a friend, then bashed through a concerto movement very badly, which felt reassuringly normal and not to do with autism.

Perhaps, by this time next week, the whole diagnostic nightmare will be over and I can start to rebuild some sort of normal but manageable life, and start to heal from this whole thing, and the little bits of hope that the burnout might be receding a bit will become bigger bits.

I do hope so. My head is worn out. This process is very wearing.

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