Still Processing

75-2017-02-24-13-42-19I’m in one of those slightly frustrated phases right now. One where my brain really wants to get on and do things and to try to sort out my life, but my mind is still very very busy processing recent events. It’s now just after midday on Friday and I feel as though I should be able to “just get on with it” now, although I’ve just calculated that it’s nearly 96 hours since I received my diagnosis, and, when I put it like that, it’s no wonder I’m still trying to take things in and trying to work everything out. And when I then remember that I’ve never been very good at processing feelings, it’s even less surprising.

My week so far has run thus:

Monday: Five hour autism assessment in an unfamiliar town, concluding with clear diagnosis that I am autistic. Drive home and sit, almost unable to move. Sleep a little. Eat a little. Drink wine.

Tuesday: Utterly exhausted. Hardly able to process. Wrapped in compression bashing myself against the sofa. Short blog post written but unable to post. Good feelings, but not ones I can articulate well. Relief. Shock. It’s real.

Wednesday: A bit more functional. Able to post on the blog and write a couple more posts in draft. Sort the house a bit. However, start to feel ill in the afternoon and completely lose speech early evening. Speech never returns all night.

Thursday: Attempt to get up at reasonable time but fail. Head won’t work properly at all. Publish one of the draft posts. Afternoon lose functionality and retreat under weighted blanket. Attempts to sort out jobs lists fail. Plan to do stuff tomorrow.

Friday: Finally make it out of bed around midday after frustrating morning in bed. Realisation that things I wanted to do today are beyond me. Just getting this far is an achievement. I also had a spell trying to establish whether I was lonely or bored – I’m not sure I can distinguish between the two.

If I stop beating myself up (not literally – though the impulse to tear chunks out of my skin is very very strong this morning and is taking a lot of energy to resist), then looking at this objectively, I see that 96 hours out from receiving an autism diagnosis at age 45, it’s actually not that surprising. I know from what I’ve read on forums and groups and in books that getting a formal diagnosis is an amazing thing, but I also know that it takes some processing, and moods can be erratic for some time afterwards until the system settles down. My brain and my learning and my reading knows all this stuff. And, I have to keep reminding myself, AUTISTIC BRAINS DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!!!!

I keep forgetting this last piece of information, and I always believed myself to be quite flexible, but when I actually started looking at the evidence it turned out not to be the case. I need a new handbag – my old one is too small (since the advent of multiple pairs of spectacles and lots of stim toys). I have a new handbag. It is very nice. I like it. It will be a very good handbag. But the notion of changing to a different sort of handbag is freaking me out. Bigtime. The new handbag has been waiting for a month so far. I am too frightened to take the stuff out of the old handbag and put it into the new one, because I know it will feel wrong for quite a long time until I get used to it. Autistic brains. Change. Don’t like.

And, of course, this is why we get so tired. Conscious brain has to be employed constantly to compensate for the strong messages coming from the autistic bit. There is the neverending internal fight between what I have always termed “brain” and “mind”. In my head, always, I have had to employ vast amounts of willpower from brain in order to overcome the evident illness (some of which now relabeled anxiety caused by autistic brain) of my mind. The terminology is a bit muddled here I know – I didn’t script this and am trying to write improvisatorily, which is rapidly turning into nonsense.

Back to the script.

What I HAD been hoping to do today was: sort out the jobs list, order a repeat prescription, send a few of the more urgent e-mails (I really need to sort my study situation with the OU because time is getting short, and if I’m to dine in College after a meeting booked for next week then I have to sign in), maybe visit my best friend (haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks and also need to catch up on meetings and assessments and collect my scarf, which I left there), call my mother (again, update on assessment, especially since she provided so much info about me age 0-4 and some beyond that too), hoover the flat (it’s at the point where if we had a visitor we’d have to provide overshoes for them to protect their shoes, but the loudness of the hoover and my sensory system’s state today probably mean that’s out), maybe do some maths (concentration nowhere near sufficient – I’m managing less than a paragraph at a time of my book on my current special interest (Chariots of Fire) at the moment), and what I really wanted to do was to go out and get a coffee and cheesecake (way too late now because the early morning quiet spell will be long finished, but I haven’t had coffee for so long), get a few jobs done (I need to go to the bank and buy one or two things), and maybe go and look at some food and see if I can get inspired to eat anything (I’m currently still on only about 1.5 meals a day, which really isn’t enough).

Of course, lined up like this, it’s obvious that someone who has had the week I’ve just had wouldn’t have a hope of doing all of that. Maybe just being able to list it here will be a start on sorting out the jobs list and trying to work out what really DOES need doing and what can wait for a while.

It’s also been on my mind all morning that I’ve still not managed to get back to proper running. This is not surprising, since I’m still very much in burnout, and the diagnostic process has taken a huge amount out of me, but it’s now looking less and less likely that I will be able to do any of the spring races I still have booked. One of my favourite marathons is unlikely to happen, and with it will go the expensive hotel room I booked last year. I don’t have the energy to do anything about it. Maybe we’ll go and stay there anyway, although at the moment the thought of going to a crowded city to watch a marathon I should have been running in just feels scary. I’d rather be on a deserted beach staring at the sea by myself. I’ve known for ages that my first hundred miler, booked for May, just isn’t possible in my current state, but saying goodbye to it is hard, and to the other marathon I had booked. Again – although I have to do this, it’s change, and again, change doesn’t sit easily with me.

So add all that to the inevitable exhaustion from Monday and it’s no wonder things are a bit rocky right now. I’m also almost climbing the walls waiting for the report from the assessment people, even though they told me clearly and straightforwardly, that it could take up to a fortnight because there was a lot of material to go through and times and so on and don’t panic. But still. I’m impatient.

And, my head is, predictably, making words in a very erratic manner. There are either too many of them (see above) or too few (see below). Writing the words below was probably my biggest achievement of yesterday! Who knows what my biggest achievement of today will be – I’ll have to see what I can manage. But I also need to keep reminding myself that the biggest thing of my life has occurred over the last 6 months and that 96 hours ago it was officially confirmed, and my head will still be processing it all for a while yet and I do need a fair bit of time just staring at a pea factory, curled up under my blanket, and rocking back and forth and so on.

I
Am
Autistic.

Three words.
Define my life.

I knew that
Before the assessment.

But

Now

It is
Real.

Knowledge.
Relief.
Validation.

But also change.

My head
Still
Processing.

I am autistic.
I am autistic.
I am autistic.

Dear head,
Got that now?

I am autistic.
I am autistic.
I am autistic.

Yes, really.

What’s odd is:

Nothing is different
And
Everything is different.

The feelings
(Various)
Strong strong strong.

Huge waves
Of emotion
Alternate rapidly
With
Numbness.

I still need
To let go
And relax

But
Too soon.

Although
Yesterday
My words gone
All evening.

Let the news
Sink in.

Absorb it.

It is big.

Take
Everything

One

Step

At

A

Time.

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