It’s as if my head is desperately trying to prove just how true the oscillation theory actually is. Thinking back over the last few days:
Saturday – was a fairly good day. I knew I was a bit on edge, but still managed to get out and about to visit my best friend then to meet my husband for coffee. I was tired, and very much in need of time in the dark under my weighted blanket, but I was OK.
Sunday – was a bad day. I felt distracted and ill-at-ease all day. I achieved very little aside from watching multiple episodes of Columbo, a James Bond film, and The Terminal. I spent a lot of time under my blanket on the sofa, stimming in one way or another almost constantly.
Monday – I wrote the post about the oscillations. I then went out for my first proper run in months, just a single kilometre, but such a massive achievement from where I was. I came home and updated my calendar and replied to a few e-mails and had a generally good and productive evening.
Tuesday – was a terrible day. The neighbours were doing some DIY in the next room (we live in a flat) and were banging and drilling and scraping all day. I tried earplugs, headphones, ear defenders, but the feeling of all of them touching my ears was worse than the noise. By 4 in the afternoon I was a mess, my sensory system totally overwhelmed by the noise and feeling of closeness of the neighbours, and my brain seeming to be doing somersaults inside my head. It wasn’t good.
And I reacted in one of my more maladaptive ways to feeling so terrible – having hardly eaten anything all day I decided to have an early glass of wine, which led, eventually, to, well, rather more glasses of wine, and then even more, stronger, cheaper, wine… (you get the picture). I probably made a total arse of myself on facebook, but I did survive some fairly dark thoughts, so for that we must be thankful I guess!
It was also one of those days where I couldn’t write coherently. I find those days incredibly frustrating – when my head is full of thoughts and I can’t turn them into any sort of useable form. I started 4 blog posts / poems. Only one of them makes even vague sense, and it’s not exactly fun stuff for parties. I have a small collection of the darker stuff that I’ll perhaps try to sort out when I have enough energy to do it, but I’ll have to be in the right frame of mind for that.
So, ironically, just as I posted the post about oscillating, the last few days have been a microcosm of my life over the last 9 months or so. Good – bad – good – bad, and now, we’re back to good!
Today I feel much better. My head is clearer, I’m making myself eat food and drink sensible things like water and milk and tea, and I’ve washed my hair and checked that I’m wearing trousers without holes in in anticipation of spending the early evening at a “poetry and mental health” event which my husband is organizing. Also, the neighbours are quiet today, which helps immensely.
There are still unfinished blog posts in my folder, and there are still things I’d really like to be doing from the jobs list, but at the moment I’m happy to take whatever progress I can get. On days like this, when I feel somewhat inadequate that I haven’t yet written something really helpful (this blog is such a strange mixture of articles, journal entries, personal accounts, memories, random poems and so on), I can remind myself that I’ve only been doing this for a few months and although I really want to produce helpful material and a beautifully crafted set of posts, I also started this blog as an outlet for my thoughts, since I have no therapist nor much else beyond an exceedingly tolerant husband, one or two real-life friends, and those with whom I’m connected on social media.
I’m also really still getting used to the idea that I am autistic, I’m still working out how to interact with people out in the world in a way that is both possible, so that I can do the things I want to do, but will not break me as badly as it has done in the past. This is the start of the process, a time of experimentation and working out how to live my new life as an openly autistic person. I keep expecting myself to have all the answers, but I forget that I’m still very much at the start of this whole thing and it will take time before I can be where I want to be, both as far as being any sort of autistic advocate or gaining as much knowledge about autism as I want to, and simply being able to live some sort of life that works for me and I can cope with.
And I’m trying to resume bits of my old life too – playing music, running, studying, maths and science, a bit more attention for the animals, participating in events, seeing friends, even sorting out the chaos that is our flat, and so on. But I know that I have to tame my natural instincts, which are to plunge headlong into absolutely everything the minute that I have the slightest bit of energy (though that taming really doesn’t come naturally).
And to round off this somewhat random and oscillatory blog post, I’ve just looked at the date on my clock and noticed that it is exactly five months ago today that I published The Discovery and announced publicly that I am autistic, having spent the preceding four months getting my own head round the idea and discussing it only with a very few people. It was an interesting day, and the reactions from people who knew me were interesting too.
I’ve come a very long way since then. Things that seemed really wild just a few months ago seem to be such an established part of my life now. Life really has changed a lot.
And, on balance, it’s changed for the better!