Today is one of those low confidence days.
One of the days where I’m not sure if I’m getting it right, or wrong.
When I keep opening blank boxes on Facebook and Twitter and closing them again.
Where I can’t quite make my thoughts into words properly.
And I’m really uncertain that people will understand what I mean.
Because I am full of big feelings that I can’t translate.
When I look at the jobs list it seems long and complex and insurmountable.
I’m still trying to work out this new identity. Still trying to explain.
Still trying to write the posts I really want to for this blog.
My head is screaming at me that I need to do EVERYTHING. NOW!
Surely with enough willpower all is possible?
Wanting to be strong. Wanting to be efficient.
Wanting to sort my life out and achieve and succeed.
But the inertia is high and the functioning is low today.
I am still recovering after a busy time and a shutdown.
I am still having to remind myself that I am autistic and my mind needs a more forgiving approach than I have previously given it.
Now that my act is gone. Now that I’m working out who I really am.
These days I do not have the protection of a mask, nor the ability to recreate one.
Remembering what I have been through these past few months.
It’s perhaps inevitable that I struggle a bit.
I need to take things gently.