Leaving Home

I know I must be terribly terribly ill.
I feel dreadful, sick, and panicky.
Maybe I should cancel? Not go?
Send an e-mail. Say I’m unwell.

Why did I agree to this?
A stupid moment of madness?
What possessed me to think
That I could go out into the world today?

I sweat, and my heart pounds
As though I had been training hard.
Everything gets louder and brighter
And my mind can’t focus on simple tasks.

I work though the list,
Checking that I am dressed appropriately,
Forcing myself to eat, a crumb at a time,
To avoid an energy crash later.

My shoulder aches and I am certain
That it is damaged and injured.
Just like my legs always are
A few days before I run a big race.

My brain fights back.
These injuries are manufactured in my mind
I know that, just as I know they will vanish
And be forgotten once I get home again.

When the sick feeling subsides a little
It is replaced by utter utter exhaustion
As though I have not slept
For months on end.

I struggle to move or to motivate myself
Again, my brain fights back.
I know these feelings because
They have been normal for as long as I can remember.

There is, of course, the risk that I won’t cope
And will end up in tears on the floor,
Totally melted down
Unable to function.

Maybe the unpredictability
Of my coping mechanisms
Is what leads to such huge anxiety
Every time I try to leave my home?

Maybe the effort of fighting the anxiety
Makes it even worse
And uses up even more of my
Scarce energy?

All I know how to do is to continue
To live with it, as it is.
As I always have,
And probably always will.

I always assumed that everyone
Went through this same process
Every time they left their homes.
I still do really, because it is so normal.

But my only alternative is to give up
To stay at home for ever,
And never to take up opportunities
That so often lead to good times.

So I keep going, and live with what is
Because I like to play music, to run,
To see the outside world,
And to spend time with friends.

And my brain continues to arbitrate
In the debate between
Anxiety and low energy on one side
And continual FOMO on the other.

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