Pendulum Pushing

Just as the oscillations
Start to settle
I push the pendulum again.

“Let’s do more,
Let’s try to return
To some of my old life,
To music, to running,
To being out in the world
And seeing people
And being
Functional!”

Yay!
Exciting!

But, the thing is,
That doing those things
Means I push the pendulum

Just as it settles
And calms
I cannot resist
Giving it another huge
SHOVE!!!!!!!!

And then it swings wildly back
In the other direction.

Of course it does.
That’s how pendulums work.

So I push
And achieve
And get that feeling
That there might be
A decent future
After all.

That I might cope out in the world
Even sometimes enjoy
And maybe even
Have one or two friends.

But then I crash.
And lose confidence
And have to retreat
And can’t judge if I’m getting
Things wrong, socially,
And I plunge back into
A much more depleted state.
I struggle to eat
Or interact
And I wonder
Whether there is
Any place
For me
In this world.

And once again
I question
The value of my life.

And write gibberish
(In italics below)
At 3 in the morning.

My brain knows this is how it is.
And that it is the only way
To rebuild life
To something
That I feel
Is worth
Bothering with.

And I always push
Because that is my way.
And I don’t want people
To stop asking me
To do things.

But I have to accept
That there is a price.
And I need to recover.

And in the meantime
My head won’t work properly.
And I can’t think
Well enough
To blog or write except
In this “poem” form.

Maybe it is enough for now.
Maybe I just have to accept
That sometimes
Life feels rather bleak.

***

Sometimes I still get
An overwhelming feeling
Of not belonging
In this world.

Even when progress
Is made.
Even when life is
Apparently
Improving.

I still wonder
What I’m even doing
On this planet.

Words echo in my head.
Some recent,
Some from years ago.
My mind interprets them
And nearly always
Draws the conclusion
That the place
Would be better off
Without me.

A last small thing
Making everything
Feel so wrong.

But I am supposed
To be a success story.
I am constantly told
I am brave
And stuff like that.

But I don’t feel brave
I feel small
And unbrave.

I still wonder
How much of this “brave”
Is an act
A great effort
Of foolery
By my brain
Which is
Once again
Covering for
My broken mind.

I can walk the walk
I can smile and succeed
But I am still coming home
Destroyed and exhausted.

I still do not feel
I have found a place
In this world.
I slot myself into corners
Where I can
And I know what to say
In so many circumstances
Because I have learnt
And learnt well.

But the world still does not
Make sense to me.

I am returning to my life
But still an actor.
Maybe this is how
It has to be.

I have an explanation
But no solutions.

Perhaps this is as good as it gets.

It isn’t very good really.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Pendulum Pushing”

  1. You call the bottom poem “gibberish” but I relate very well to it, even better than I do to the first part because I have very much given up at having a life (mostly because of other physical illnesses, but my brain plays a part). The lines that stood out to me were these:

    I still wonder
    How much of this “brave”
    Is an act
    A great effort
    Of foolery
    By my brain
    Which is
    Once again
    Covering for
    My broken mind.

    Wow! I have felt this so very often. Thank you for giving it words. Somehow words and understanding it a bit make it a little better.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much, and I’m really glad I was able to give words to something you’ve felt. I’m also glad, in a way, that someone else knows this feeling, not because I’d wish you to, but because, like you, knowing someone else understands does make it better.

      Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s