Hand Flapping

I wrote the words below (in italics) around eight months ago – before diagnosis, before forms, before I had any interaction with autistic communities online, right back in the early days of the “autism hypothesis” as I was then calling it. At that time I’d only just contacted my mother to start to ask about my early childhood, I’d heard the word “stimming” but didn’t really understand it, and I had no knowledge of autistic burnout or realization that I was experiencing it and had done so before.

I was yet even to receive the forms from the triage service or do any autism “tests” beyond the online one that I mentioned in The Discovery. I was still only just acknowledging that I even WAS autistic, and at that point I was only talking to a very small number of people about it and really only had Google and a couple of books to help me.

At the time I wrote the words I remember being really freaked out by them, even though I’d felt the need to write them. The whole concept of “just letting stuff happen” was so alien to me, having spent my entire life fighting to be “in control” and I was right at the start of the process of discovery. I had only just, a few days earlier, typed the words “I am autistic” for the first time and they still felt very foreign and strange and the whole notion of me being autistic seemed seriously wild – I didn’t spend a few years wondering or suspecting that I might be, as some people do – I’d gone from completely clueless to almost certainly autistic in the space of only a few weeks and my head was still reeling from the experience.

I didn’t even initially discuss them with either my husband or the friend with whom I was most closely corresponding about the possibility that I was autistic. I remember sending a rather coy facebook message to that friend saying I’d discovered something, but, initially it seemed too radical to say what – I’ve come a long way from then to now and my perceptions and levels of confidence have changed so much that I’m now publishing the words, which I couldn’t even send to my friend back then, openly on the internet!!!

But right from the off I knew I wanted to investigate the whole thing thoroughly. I wanted to experiment, to find out just what was going on. It was already obvious that the jiggly leg and the constant sitting with my legs folded under me and the gentle rocking and so on were likely autistic things and so I deliberately set out to learn to listen to my body and to what it wanted to do and to allow myself to experiment to see what happened.

Had I grown up knowing I was autistic and been part of any autistic community, this stuff might have been so commonplace in my life that it wouldn’t even have featured as a “thing to discover” but to me it felt new and big and important. I remember, much later, reading an account from another late diagnosed person saying it took them 6 months from diagnosis to reach that particular point. It took me only a few days from the point that I started to accept that I was autistic!

But I was deliberately experimenting. I am also pretty lucky in that I’m not the sort of person who feels shame about lots of stuff – I don’t have a deeply ingrained sense of “this is wrong” because I’ve always lived a somewhat random life, rather a long way from the middle of the “bell curve”! I knew by my teens that I was never going to be one of the popular “normal” ones and there’s no doubt that as I’ve got older I’ve increasingly adopted an attitude of “if they don’t like me as I am then I’ll just move on and not bother about it”. I have plenty of folk who do seem to be amused or entertained by me enough to stick around and whom I find interesting to be with so it’s not a big problem.

But, internally, this was for me, a big milestone, a big thing for me consciously to rediscover. And I remember, having typed the words “my autistic body” (perhaps an odd thing to type but it was what it was) looking at them with a mix of utter “this is so freaky and odd and new and scary and but ME?” and total “this is so comforting and reassuring and exciting and wow can this really be true” all at the same time.

September 2016

So, I’m staying overnight at my friend’s. I wake. It is 4 in the morning. When I wake I am overwhelmed with anxiety. Understandable. I’m away from home. I had orchestra. People. I talked a lot about autism to my friend yesterday afternoon and evening. My life is in such a period of upheaval and learning and turmoil. The revelations about my 4 year old self are still shocking me and rebounding inside my head.

I feel sick. Really really sick. I have felt this way here before. I have usually put it down to a large meal in college or too much alcohol. Neither of those is true for last night. A fairly small supper (I have learnt to eat small when things are unfamiliar because I know being out of normal routine is often stressful and makes me feel anxious and sick, so less food offsets the feeling).

Usually at this point I would try to keep calm and lie still. Breathing exercises. Mindfulness. Sometimes it works. But often I cannot get calm. The sick feeling rises. As I am emetophobic I get into a feedback loop. Sometimes I manage to fend it off but spend the next hour or so lying there feeling shaky and drained. Sometimes the worst happens. I end up in the bathroom and return, tearful and traumatised, to bed, where I might then drift into a troubled sleep, but the experience stays with me unless I spend the next few days working on blocking it from my mind.

Since it became apparent that I am autistic (there, I said it again) I have been experimenting. I have never known why I sit on the sofa at home and gently rock, but I do. It is calming. Maybe there is more in me. Something else. More long-repressed behaviours. I know I always fiddle with things. My hair. Pens. Cords. But maybe there are other things that are part of me that I am yet to discover.

I lie in the bed and decide to try something. To stop trying any sort of control over my body and mind and see what happens. My body starts to move. Rhythmically rocking backwards and forwards. It feels right. Then the strangest thing happens. I want to flap my hands. Really really want to. My arms emerge from under the covers. My hands begin to flap, fast, furious. I don’t know for how long, but the nausea and sick feeling subsides. I calm. Tears run down my face. I know I am going to be OK now. I flap a bit more, just to check. But I am calmer. The anxiety is reduced. I finally lie still.

I have heard mention of hand flapping. Has that found its way into my mind. Am I “trying” to be autistic, to prove something to myself? Au contraire, I was actually not trying to do anything except what my body felt it wanted to do. It felt natural. Normal. Although massively at odds with everything I have learnt from society over the last 45 years.

I wonder if my particular flapping is an autistic thing. So I grab my phone and Google autism hand flapping. My phone knows how to spell autism these days. I find a video of a man demonstrating flapping behaviour. It looks right. I read on a website that autistic children flap their hands and adults may go back to the behaviour as a way of relieving stress and anxiety. I don’t know if I am going back because I don’t know if I ever did as a child. Maybe so, but if that was the case I was almost certainly told to stop. Suppress. Do not exhibit abnormal behaviour. Nobody would have known back then what it meant.

I am slightly creeped out by the experience. The sense of calm the flapping induced was profound and remarkably quick. It clearly stimulated something that stopped the sick feeling, stopped the acute anxiety and stress. I feel very strange about this. I know it is an odd behaviour. Not something I have done in this way before. It was what my body wanted to do. And it worked.

I wonder what will happen over the coming weeks. As I come to terms with my autism what else will be revealed? I find the term “stimming” strange and unfamiliar. It was not a term I knew until very recently. Again, I worry that I am making myself autistic to fit the model. But every time I return to the fact that I have been autistic all along. It is not that I fit the model. It is that the model fits me. That I have found myself. Discovered needs in myself that were hitherto hidden. Years of lying in unfamiliar beds at night feeling sick. And I didn’t have a way of dealing with it. Now I do. That was what my body wanted. So that’s what I did. My autistic body. My differently wired head. My new life. My new start.

I am 45 years old and I am at the very beginning of my journey of learning to live like me. I have had fleeting moments, over the past week, where I have thought “when will life return to normal”. I know that old normal will never return. Yes, there is a part of me that is deeply unnerved by this whole autistic world. It’s so new. It has all happened so fast. Where is my old familiar life?

The old life is gone. I would not want it back.

***

Two Days Later

I have become a hand flapper. It has become important to me. I also like to rock, and to do things with my fingers, waggle my feet, bash my legs against the sofa back, and, of course, allow my leg to jiggle, rather than making the effort to stop what is often involuntary movement.

I was flapping tonight. Not because I was feeling particularly bad, but just to keep myself calm and to explore further the effect it has on me. I flapped for slightly longer than before. I felt a feeling in my fingers that was familiar, and pleasurable, and special. And it triggered a memory from long ago, very long ago, of the same feeling and I realised:

I. Have. Done. This. Before.

The realisation hits me. I did this as a child. I wonder why I stopped. Did someone tell me to stop waving my arms around? Did I gain awareness that other people didn’t flap their hands and as I was learning how to live by copying and observing I stopped? Did some kid at school bully me for it?

I wonder when it was. But I know now that I flapped my hands as a child.

Mind continues to be blown by all this stuff.

Breathe for goodness sake, breathe!

It turned out that I hadn’t just been flapping my hands when I was younger. As soon as I started to relax about it and consciously allow myself flap in front of my husband he said “Oh, you’ve always done that – though not quite as obviously as now”. Things I’ve always done with fingers and wrists when trying to make decisions or when stressed turn out all to be part of the same thing, but just on a smaller scale. I’ve since discovered that there are all sorts of times when I flap my hands, and these days I often hardly notice. Sometimes it’s when I’m happy about something, sometimes it’s for anxiety relief. These days I generally just go with it!

And, like so many autistic things, it possibly looks a little unusual from the outside. My husband (who also flaps his hands from time to time) frequently tells me I look like a T-Rex (I’m totally cool with that – I was a mad dinosaur fan as a kid and am still somewhat interested in them), and I suspect that some folk might find it a bit odd, but from the inside it’s just a natural form of expression and something that’s now very much part of my life.

The only thing I do have to make myself consciously remember from time to time is not to flap my hands while I’m holding a drink – that doesn’t work out well!!!

Clear Air

The storm didn’t really come in the form of a meltdown in the end. I was so exhausted that it morphed into a shutdown instead.

I’d had a really really busy day. The busiest in months. I went to play in a performance of Mendelssohn’s Elijah with a local choral society – playing my viola from time to time is one of the very few things I didn’t abandon completely when burnout hit. The gig entailed a three hour rehearsal in the afternoon, then being hosted at someone’s house for supper, then the concert in the evening, which also lasted nearly three hours.

I’d done a similar gig last December, but declined the supper invitation and spent the intervening time sitting in the car on my own. This time I braved supper – partly, admittedly, because it was done on a “get in touch if you don’t want to have supper” basis this time around and my “getting in touch” abilities are pretty poor at the moment!

So I’d had this massively long full-on day. I’d been totally open about being autistic and having mental health issues (I’m getting slightly better at talking about it all). I’d kept my sunglasses on for most of the day. I’d coped with eating while sitting on a proper chair at a table and even participated in the conversation over supper a bit. I’d left supper slightly early to give myself some space to be alone before the concert. I’d spent most of the interval sitting on the floor, wearing my ear defenders and rocking back and forth. And I had, of course, played all 90 pages of the viola part of Elijah – twice (perversely, although physically very tiring, that was actually the easy bit)!

I got home and downed a few glasses of wine and ate some cheese, then went for a bath.

And then felt exactly as I had done in the pub episode in Sudden Illness.

I suddenly felt absolutely dreadful, sat up in the bath, unable to keep still, and burst into tears.

And this is where what happens now deviates from what used to happen in the past.

In the past, I would have stoically continued, as I did in the pub, to act as “normally” as possible. I might well have ended up being sick, and would probably have got almost no sleep and have spent the night in bed lying awake, shaking, believing myself to have some sort of illness that I couldn’t quite rationalise. I have pushed on and on in such circumstances so many times.

And the result of that pushing has been a continual decline in my mental health, a continual drain on my energy, and the resulting burnouts and erosion of my functioning abilities. Trying to be strong has, in fact, weakened me. “Faking it until I make it” has not worked – in fact, the more I faked it, the less I made it.

So I sat in the bath and cried, and my husband came to investigate and found a distraught mess. He calmed me down and drank the orange juice that I had asked for not long before as I indicated that I couldn’t drink it. And he also realised that my ability to speak was completely gone. Fortunately he’s used to it – and actually rather reassured now that we know I’m autistic, having thought, for the last fifteen years, that when I didn’t speak to him for hours at a time I was actually cross with him for some misdemeanour!

Then I went to bed, and beat my head against the pillow for a bit, before finally settling down to sleep. And I did sleep, where, in the past, I would have been unlikely to.

The next day my words didn’t return until mid-afternoon. My system finally closed down, and I did little more than lie on the sofa and sleep from time to time. But I felt calmer. The tension had gone. The storm had passed. The air had cleared.

And now I understand why this happens from time to time it feels easier to cope with. I’m not getting ill in the same way I did when I tried to fight through and keep still and so on. Although, perversely, the behaviour I exhibit probably looks more disturbing and maybe even frightening from the outside, from the inside it is very different.

In the past, an outside observer would just have seen someone who seemed like they were unwell and therefore became quiet – I’d have looked as most people expected me to look. But inside I would have been feeling utterly terrible, utterly unable to comprehend why I felt so bad, and in a total state of panic and desperation.

These days an observer would see someone who was completely unable to talk, compulsively rocking, maybe flapping their hands, bashing themselves against things, and even (though I try not to do this too much) hitting their own legs and arms with their fists. The part of me that has spent over 40 years trying to fit into a neurotypical world knows that I must look odd, and even maybe distressing, to the outside observer.

But inside, these things calm me. Inside they feel instinctive and normal and OK and can very quickly make me feel much much better, better enough to settle down to sleep. Better enough to wake the next morning and know that it doesn’t matter if I still can’t speak and I have to draw a letter T on my husband’s skin with my finger to indicate that I’d like a cup of tea.

And he no longer thinks I’m just asking for tea that way because I can’t be bothered to ask properly. And I no longer force the words to return before they are ready, and my brain therefore has time to recover.

It still feels very new, because it is still very new, allowing myself to be like this. I know from reading posts on groups and so on that many late diagnosed autistic people struggle to allow themselves to be who they really are, after decades learning to live a different way. And I’m certainly not always finding it easy – the intersections with the outside world can be particularly difficult at times, and the change from the old life is huge. But I am determined to live as my real self – 45 years was quite long enough to maintain the act that so nearly killed me on many occasions.

So that is the way it now is. And my way is to allow myself to be as fully autistic as I need to be wherever and whenever possible. And to be open about it as much as I can.

And maybe it sounds really odd, but that actually makes me really really happy, because it feels so completely right.

The new life becomes more and more real as time goes on.

Storm Clouds

It feels as though storm clouds are gathering in my head these last few days. I’m not sure why, and I can’t work out if there’s anything I can do about it, but I have that feeling that I’m building the sort of tension that will eventually lead to meltdown or shutdown. But not yet. Somehow the energy is yet to be released. Things are too controlled. Maybe, knowing I have a weekend of things to do out in the world means that I’m keeping control somehow. I have that feeling of wanting to cry, but not being able to.

It’s an unsettling feeling, though not totally bad. I don’t even think the overload in my head and the build up of emotions (many of which I’m struggling to identify for alexythmic reasons) is entirely negative. It’s just that I can feel a gradual build up. Of something. I’m trying to analyse what that something is. I’m trying to judge whether some sort of big stimming session would help. I don’t know. It’s a very edgy feeling.

This is the fifth attempt I’ve had at writing about it. What has emerged as a common theme in the first four attempts is that this state is a mixture of two lots of emotion. One lot could probably be called negative, and the other, positive. They are existing inside my head simultaneously, and both pouring these strong, but not totally identifiable, feelings into my system. I get emotions like this. I always have, except when too depressed, or taking large quantities of medication, which seems to blank many of my feelings out anyway. One reason I hesitate to take medication is that much of it takes away things that I value – my appreciation of music, my excitement in the world, and so on.

And so, these huge waves of emotion keep washing over me, and I’m trying to untangle them in order to deal with them. Maybe a therapist would help with this, but I don’t have one, so I’m trying to do it on my own. Although it’s becoming obvious from trying to write it down as best I can that the same things are recurring over and over and my mind is still trying to deal with them. I’ve almost certainly written about them here before, and I apologise for what is probably terrible repetition (my husband says that he is used to me saying everything 98 times) but it seems that this need for repetition, for reassurance, for rehearsing the same argument over and over is probably one of my autistic traits too – something I need to do to get things clear in my mind.

And so the negative thoughts:

The constant nagging knowledge that my life will be limited because I simply don’t have the productive energy that most people do because I’m using so much of my energy to cope with my environment and to process language. I don’t like being limited, but decades of experience have shown me that the consequences of not consciously limiting my life and of trying to “be like everybody else” are poor mental health and catastrophic burnout. I am furious about this. I do not want to have to limit my life, but I must, and I know I must. I have to learn to be gentler, and allow recovery time.

I’m still not fully able to explain to people what being autistic really means. I’m still encountering “yes, but we all get tired…” types of comments, and I’m not yet able to articulate in words that what I mean is something different and that I’m not on about it being the end of a long week and I just fancy a bit of a lie-in. I need to write a blog post about this, I know I do. It is nibbling at my insides (yes, it feels like that) and I need to deal with it. Ditto the current controversies about stim-toys and spinners. I have so many and various thoughts about the whole thing, but I can’t make them into words currently, and that is frustrating me.

And talk of schools and classrooms and so on keeps pulling me back to my own childhood, the door onto which I had closed, I thought for good, until last year, when it had to be forced open. And once it was open, it was really useful for getting my diagnosis, but it hasn’t brought back floods of joyful memories, but of a time when my main objectives were to stave off bullying, to learn to behave, and to achieve good results academically. I had no chew toys or spinners – so I chewed my tie and my jumper and I played with bits from my pencil case and got into trouble for doodling during lessons (among other things).

The late diagnosis thing still irks me. The fact that I had to get THIS broken before anybody noticed that I was autistic. The fact that I was born at a time in history when the world didn’t know about people like me. I’m still sad and angry and regretful at so much of the first 45 years of my life. I’m still furious with the mental health specialists who didn’t know. Today we talk about acceptance being preferable to awareness – even the most basic awareness 20 years ago of autism in those of us who were AFAB might have saved me so much heartbreak.

And here I am, a 45-year-old burnt out non-binary autistic, going through the menopause, learning who I am, trying to rebuild my life, and doing it, currently, without help from anyone except a husband and friends. And I often feel like I am breaking, like I just want to vanish off the face of the Earth, because my youth has gone, and I want to cry for all these things, because they’re still bothering me.

But the positive thoughts are also strong:

The relief at no longer feeling the pressure to be a high flyer. The knowledge that I have a disability (and yes, for me, it is disabling – there is much to be investigated regarding models of disability, but that is not for now) and therefore I can stop beating myself up when I don’t achieve what I thought I should be able to is reassuring. The knowledge that the levels of self-care that I need are now “permitted” is such a huge relief, so liberating, and even joyful. I don’t have to be some kind of superhero any more – I can built this new life and stop pretending to be someone I’m not.

Most people I know are being massively supportive. I’m hugely lucky to have most of them in my life. Far from being deserted by old friends, I’m still, even, making new ones, people who care enough to be interested, people who read this blog and who are helped, people who understand the difficulties, and some who do not but are investing their time and energy and are willing to learn and be caring and understanding. This makes what I could call “big feels” – I don’t have a better expression than that currently. Like so often these days, I just hope people know what I mean.

And though I cannot change the past or do anything about my childhood or its difficulties, I’m now massively enjoying allowing myself to explore the world that has now opened up of toys and things to fiddle with and things that I can buy for myself without anybody to tell me not to. I can sit and stare at my glow in the dark spinner until it runs out of glow, I can roll the ball around on my fidget cube for hours at a time, I can have all the toys now that I never had as a child, and because I am old and spend the majority of my time at home alone nobody will tell me off for doing these things. I am making up for lost time in a big way, finally releasing all the bits of me that have been hidden all these years.

And the fact that the diagnosis has come at all, even this late, is still enough on its own to make me cry with happiness. The relief, the liberation, the knowledge of who I am and why I am and how I am. The permission to be something other, the explanation of why I’ve felt as I have all my life, and the solving of hundreds and thousands of mysteries from the last 45 years. The letting go of the old expectations, the shift to a neurological identity and a gender identity that feels properly comfortable to me, rather than one I was taught was the case. The hope that I will eventually recover from this burnout and will eventually get through this phase and that life will be better than it ever has been, and that I’ll eventually build a life that will be right for me.

And part of what is causing these emotions feels like some sort of huge “sigh of relief” from my entire being. I read about labels and words and why do I need the descriptor “autistic” if I know who I am. For me, I needed that descriptor to SHOW me who I am. Learning about what it means to be autistic is teaching me how to be who I am – because after 4 decades of acting roles, my real self has become somewhat obscured and needs a little help to emerge. I’ve had a lot of training to be someone else. I have a lot to discover. The minute I knew, and I allowed myself, and I learnt for the first time in my life to follow my instincts, things felt very very different.

And each time I’ve tried to write about this, these simultaneous bunches of feelings keep emerging, over and over again. Not even oscillating, like the states described in my earlier post, but together. Sadness and anger and regret alongside relief and liberation and happiness.

And the word at the end of every piece is still “autistic”, as if I’m still trying to make my head accept it fully, embrace it fully, and be able to go out into the world and live it fully. I want to do that, so very much. I know that it will not always be easy – but I do not shy away from difficulty and I never have.

Even writing it all down like this has actually changed how I feel, released some of the energy that I had when I started typing around half an hour ago. I’m calmer. The storm clouds have rolled on past for now. They will be back. The next meltdown and next shutdown will happen at some point, but typing everything up like this has had a healing effect for now, sorted things out a little. If anyone’s still reading, then thank you for indulging me. It has helped.

Losing The Words

I have known two things all my life (or, at least, as long as I’ve been old enough to know anything at all, which is probably somewhere around 40 years or so). The first is that when I get really really angry (as opposed to just very angry), I stop the shouting and the noise, and I show my anger by being completely silent. The second is that when I’m really really really tired (as opposed to just rather worn out and wanting to go to bed), I am also totally silent and I need to get away from everyone and just curl up in a corner and go to sleep.

These two extremes, the furious anger leading to silence, and the utter exhaustion leading to silence have always been part of my life. The first situation, the extreme anger, has always been put down to stubbornness, stroppiness, and a general wilfulness and unwillingness to compromise or to say sorry. I remember numerous occasions where I was utterly steaming mad and my reaction was to scream and scream and then to just run away and go and be completely silent by myself. I recall an argument with my father, sometime in my teens – at the time I kept a diary, and I remember writing up the experience afterwards and being frustrated that “this was my Dad, who usually understood me and was so like me and I opened my mouth to try to talk to him and no words would come out”. I can picture the scene now, me lying on my bed in my parents’ house, following some furious argument, the subject of which I cannot remember. I just remember feeling really really bad and that I couldn’t make any words come at all, about anything, not to apologise, nor to continue the argument, nor anything.

Equally, there have been times throughout my life when I have collapsed with total utter exhaustion. My mother and I were discussing these times recently, which have been known since my early childhood as “zonking”. She cannot remember exactly when “zonking” started, but she thinks that it was sometime after we moved house when I was 5 years old. I remember “zonking” as a child. I remember the absolute feeling of exhaustion, of being unable to move, of, sometimes, literally, lying down wherever I happened to be at the time. If I tried to keep going I would be sick, and would feel like I was terribly ill and had something terribly bad happening to me. A couple of months ago when I was discussing these episodes with my mother, she said that she remembers how my eyes would glaze over and I would go completely silent and unresponsive and I absolutely refused anything at all to eat. She said that the first few times it happened they were rather worried about it because it seemed so strange, but that they observed that if they simply put me to bed and left me with a glass of water in case I got thirsty then I seemed absolutely fine again the next morning. So nothing was done (and, to be honest, nothing really could have been done – if they’d taken me to a doctor in the 1970s and described these episodes then the doctor would almost certainly have been as mystified as they were).

And “zonking” was just part of my life and it always has been. I had these phases where I needed to go to bed and be silent and alone and I couldn’t interact with the world and I couldn’t do anything about it. It often occurred at times when I’d been out a lot and very busy, or when I’d been to parties or was away from home. It happened throughout my early adulthood and I simply went home from wherever I was and put myself to bed. It happened after I was married and I simply told my husband that there was this thing I did called zonking and that there was nothing to be done but to leave me to sleep it off and I didn’t know why it happened or why I was always silent, but I just accepted that it was a thing I did.

And for over 40 years I was a silent angry person who zonked from time to time!

Until I started to investigate autism. Until I ran away to hide in a shed in the summer of 2016 and didn’t let anyone know where I was for a while because I knew I couldn’t interact with them. Until I told someone by facebook message not to send any food over to my tent yet because I knew I wouldn’t be able to thank them for bringing the food. Until I realised that the times when I had this severe exhaustion were times not when I WOULDN’T talk, but when I actually COULDN’T talk. Because I started to try, even though I didn’t feel like it, and I found that the words were gone. I hadn’t previously attempted to talk at these times (a few “arguments” aside, when I just assumed that being cross rendered people “speechless” and that was what was happening to me) because I’d just run away or gone to sleep or cried or whatever. But as I started to experiment and to see what was possible, I realised that there was a reason I’d been running away or taking myself to bed or whatever all my life.

My. Words. Were. Gone.

Since I discovered this I have been doing experiments, such as described in Can I Sing? I have tried to talk to see what happens – I can make sounds perfectly well, but I cannot make words. The revelation, after over 40 years that I have been having nonverbal (or, probably more accurately, nonspeech, though I believe nonverbal is the usual term) episodes all my life, is quite startling.

And, although being unable to speak might, at first, seem odd from the outside, and, in some ways, can be frustrating because the world is so geared up towards speech, it DOESN’T FEEL BAD. In fact, what makes me feel ill, and sick, and distressed, is the effort of trying to keep talking when my words have gone. When I try to continue to be social and to act “appropriately” I start to get ill, as I described in Sudden Illness. When I let go of the speech, and just abandon spoken words, the nausea, the bad feelings, and all the illness feelings go away, and I can feel my system start to recover, either from the meltdown (in the case of the “angry silence”) or the shutdown (in the case of the “extreme exhaustion”).

I can also often feel the slide down into wordlessness. My sentences start to jumble and my speech starts to become unorthodox and to fragment (I’ll do another post about speech, and my different levels of speech sometime). After a while I become monosyllabic, and then, gently, the words just go, sometimes for several hours at a time, and even overnight. Although my written words can often be quite a big effort during this time and don’t always flow fluently, I am often able to communicate by typing written words when I am completely unable to produce speech, as I have described in Silence.

I can also feel the return. Initially the speech that returns isn’t totally fluent, and is a bit disjointed, with one syllable at a time. Then it gradually builds up until it is fluent again.

I am still exploring this. I am still discovering. I am still analysing my speech patterns and still experimenting. I know the feeling of being unable to speak rather well – I have been experiencing that particular feeling all my life – but I am only just starting to understand it.

The Magic Spot

You know those hanging sculptures?

The ones in spacious modern art galleries?

They’re made of all sorts of bits and pieces, hanging from the ceiling.

When you walk in to the gallery

All you see is a load of stuff,

Suspended on a bunch of wires.

Nothing makes any sense

And you wonder what crazy person decided to hang all their junk up from the ceiling and call it art.

But you walk around the room.

And you can see that the stuff is actually somewhat organised

And forms a picture.

Of sorts.

You stand and look at it for a while and you are about to move away and leave the room, because the picture really isn’t that good.

It’s all out of focus. Bits randomly appearing where they shouldn’t be. Gaps where you might expect to see continuity.

Then somebody says something to you,

Points to the outline of a pair of feet on the floor, previously unseen.

You place your feet over the outlines.

And you look at the junk, hanging from the ceiling…

Except that it is no longer just junk.

It is no longer a picture out of focus.

It is clear.

And beautiful.

And it makes sense.

Each individual thing, contributing to the whole. Each tiny piece of junk is supposed to be there. Nothing is out of place any more.

Because you are viewing it from the correct spot.

And it’s a beautiful piece of art.

Now imagine that you have spent forty-five years in that room, looking at the stuff that forms your life and trying to make sense of it.

And then you stand on that magic spot.

And you finally see the picture in focus.

And your entire life makes sense.

And you get a little bit of hope that it might even, one day, be a tiny bit beautiful…

You need time for your feet to recover from standing in the gallery for so long. You are exhausted.

You need to get used to seeing the picture clearly because the detail is overwhelming, and seeing it like this for the first time is new and unfamiliar.

And you need to show everybody else how they should look at the picture.

Because they won’t all understand what you mean straight away.

And maybe some never will.

But now you understand.

Your life makes sense.

Now you know where you need to stand, you can safely move around the room again, examining each individual piece, hanging from its wire.

You can analyse how each item fits, and you can see why it is there.

You move your feet away from the marks on the floor.

And you see that they are no longer outlines of feet. They are now words.

You bend down to take a closer look.

And you read the words that are written on the magic spot, the words that give you the information you need to make sense of your life.

They simply say:

You are autistic.

Uncomfortable

Like a pendulum
Swinging wildly,
Undamped.
My mind has still
Not settled.

Where I fit
Into this new identity
Is still unclear.

I talk to people
And many of them
Expect answers,
Where I still have
Only questions.

Some days
There is despair
And a feeling
Of life being limited
Permanently.

Some days
There is hope
And a feeling
That life will improve
Substantially.

But where I fit
Into this new identity
Is still unclear.

I am suddenly forced
To confront issues
I had discarded
Years ago.

Things very very uncomfortable.
Offspring. Female identity.
Neither of which I possess.
Autism forces these things
Into my consciousness.

Not to mention
My own childhood,
A door I had long since closed
Forced open for diagnosis.

Can open.
Worms everywhere.
Wriggling around,
Demanding attention.

The past
Begging to be analysed

But where I fit
Into this new identity
Is still unclear.

There is no stable backdrop
To my life.
Everything wobbles.
Precariously.

And my mind
Is trying to alter its perceptions
Of who I am
But progress is slow,
Like an ocean liner
Doing a three-point turn.

As I try to plan
For a changed future
I desperately search
For familiarity
And stability.

Autism is exciting,
Enticing, shiny, new.
But this very newness
Makes it also feel
Alien and unfamiliar.

I have never fitted
Into a community
I am not used to being
“Part of things”
As soon as I become so,
I feel uncomfortable
And withdraw…

Where I fit
Into this new identity
Is still unclear.

My past needs
Reframing.

My future needs
Replanning.

There is uncertainty ahead
How functional will I be?
What can I try to do?
What do I want to do?

Preserve the old
Familiar interests
(accepting my limitations)?

Embrace the new
And shiny interests
(accepting intimidations)?

I ask myself
And many times
I search for answers,
Where I still have
Only questions.

Where I fit
Into this new identity
Is still unclear.

My mind has still
Not settled.
It swings wildly,
Like a pendulum,
Undamped…

Where I fit
Still
Unclear

Unknown

Uncertain

Uncomfortable

Eight Weeks On

So, eight weeks on from my diagnosis, I’m once again pausing to observe the passage of that time, and, understandably, reflecting on how life has progressed since I sat in the room at the end of a five-hour interview and testing session and was told that I clearly fulfilled the criteria for a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder.

Eight weeks ago today I was relieved and exhausted in almost equal measure, having been officially told the news that explained why my life had been so incredibly difficult and I had failed, consistently, to live up to the expectations and demands that that so many people (including myself) had for me. I had reached the end of the process of assessment, and the end of the “old life” and had, finally, got to a point where I could start to rebuild something new, gentler and more forgiving.

Because I’d already read so many other accounts of how things had been for other people, and because I’ve been around long enough to have experienced a lot of ups and downs, I was under no illusion that receiving my diagnosis would magically transform my life into some fairyland, or that I would miraculously be able to access beautiful support or that all the ghosts from my past would reappear and apologise for all the years they’d told me to work harder, do better, or whatever, or that they’d explain that they really didn’t know how difficult life had been and they wished they had. I was, of course, right to hang on to a healthy skepticism that things would miraculously “get better” – one advantage of being a bit old and a bit logical is that a belief in magic and sparkles and fairy dust is not on the agenda. This process of readjustment to my new knowledge and rebuilding my new life is not going to happen overnight, and nor is it going to happen at all without considerable effort from me.

There is also the burnout to consider, and my mental health in general. At my follow up appointment I was advised to book an appointment with my GP to discuss my mental health in general and where to go from here. I wonder whether there will be more referrals, more discussions, and to what extent maintaining any semblance of mental wellness is, for me, going to be a lifelong task. I suspect only time will tell, as I adjust to the knowledge that I am autistic, as I learn what works, and as I start to try to work out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life – that is currently a very big question on my mind, both in terms of what I am able to do, and what I might actually want to do.

But, at this juncture, I am trying to identify how things now are, eight weeks on. It’s almost in the spirit of keeping some sort of journal, perhaps to refer to later, to measure progress. I look back now to what I wrote in Tiny Glimmers, just over three months ago, and, although it might not feel like it sometimes, and although my life still appears to be rather poor quality in many ways, and terribly terribly limited, I can see that things are generally better, and that I’m achieving a little more. I also have the confidence of my diagnosis, the feelings of validation that it gave me, and just that tiny bit of support I’ve had (help with forms, a follow up appointment, reassurance that I’m correct on many things and not going crazy, and suggestions for what I might do next), which have made a massive difference.

Interestingly, when I wrote Tiny Glimmers, I’d been trying to organize my paperwork and sort out my jobs lists and just get things a little more organized. I did the same yesterday, so maybe this is part of the process of taking stock, moving on, and trying to consciously plan and be proactive in life rather than just reacting to crisis after crisis and just “coping” whatever way seems most possible at the time. I did mindfulness meditation for several years (and have not ruled out returning to it when I’m in a more suitable place for it – now is not the right time) and one exercise that I found useful and adapted was to “check in” with feelings and to notice how they were. I adopted a method, during silent practice sessions, of using some of the time to analyse how things were, both physically and mentally (I know the two are not entirely separate systems, but I found it useful to examine each separately because my physical and mental health are so wildly different in their presentation – my physical health and fitness is probably on the “better” side for someone my age in my circumstances, and my mental health is certainly substantially worse).

So, I’d sit and take note of all the various bits of my body, usually picking up on various niggles caused by 50K training runs and the like, trying to work out whether the hip-strengthening work I was doing was easing the ITB (iliotibial band) issues I had for a brief spell, establishing whether my breathing was getting better with the new inhaler, that sort of thing. Mental wellness was, of course, more complex and involved trying to work out exactly where I was on the mania-depression scale, whether I was sleeping, eating properly, levels of anxiety and suicidal ideation and so on. But the exercise was helpful, because it enabled me to decide either to alter my training schedule or do more targeted exercises (physical) or to turn down or cancel things to remove pressure (mental). I had, without knowing it, developed a very basic knowledge that I needed to conserve social and sensory spoons. The “checking in” process really helped with that, and was one of the positives that I drew from the mindfulness I learnt in an attempt to prevent me relapsing, once again, into severe depression.

And now I’m using the “checking in” technique over a longer timescale, and I observe that although my mood and functional abilities are still very wobbly, and still varying wildly from day to day, the good days are better than they were, and the number of really really bad days has lessened. Like the tiny glimmers I observed back in January, there are little fragments of a new life that are now starting to show themselves occasionally, little moments where I am interested in SOMETHING again, and feel that one day I might have the energy to rebuild life and actually make it a bit better, rather than just surviving day to day, and, sometimes, hour to hour. The person who wrote Tiny Glimmers would have looked at the person typing this now and seen a veritable superhero – out of the flat now twice a week on average, starting to think about the future because I’m starting to think that I might actually HAVE a future, and making very tentative plans for the new life.

I know that everybody’s circumstances are different, and that there are many external complicating factors (burnout, family circumstances, comorbid conditions, reactions from others, and so on) during the period following an autism diagnosis. And I know that what I write here also varies wildly as my mood fluctuates and as I try to come to terms with the past and plan for the future. I’ve read accounts and heard from other people that it will be a year or so before things are likely to improve significantly, as my autistic brain is using a massive amount of processing power just to adjust to my new identity and therefore I have less energy for other things. However, using the best powers of logical analysis that I can summon, and viewing the evidence in my own life and in past posts of this blog, I can say that things are a little better now than they were a few months ago. It’s not dramatic – it isn’t “Hey, here’s an autism diagnosis – problems all solved” (and, to be honest, if it was like that then I’d be a little concerned because it’s so unrealistic), but it has made a noticeable difference to my life in a generally positive way. It’s slight, and it’s an upward trend rather than a continuous ascent (there are still a lot of sad and angry bits to work through), but it is, nonetheless, an improvement.