Must Remember

The anxiety
Huge.

The feelings
Wrong.

Me,
Wishing there was some magic solution.

How do I stop feeling
So terribly out of balance,
So terribly wrong.

So I listen
Really listen
To my body

And the answer
Comes

I know it
As soon as I just give in,
Listen,
Forget what might appear right
To the outside world.

So I bash myself against the sofa
All of me
Over and over and over
Rocking
Hitting
Safely

Not playing with a toy
Not gently rocking
But stimming
Hard

Just giving in
To what feels right

The sort of thing
I don’t see discussed often.

Beating my back and head against the cushions

It is beautiful

And I start to feel better,
Calmer,
Happier,
More right.

Finally relaxing.

I really must remember this.

It is important.

Part of my life.

And I am still startled
By how strong the need
And how powerful the effect

And just how natural it feels.

Totally right.

One day I will try to study it
And explain
Properly

But for now
I simply do what feels right
What is evidently hardwired in to me somehow

Because I can
And it makes me feel
Better.